go to tangents e-zine

[I don't love anyone]

I'm sitting in the room at lunchtime, and I'm happy because it's raining for once. I'm happy because when it rains Jo and Isabel come in to hang out in here, and I get to talk with them. Or rather what is most important is that I get to talk to Jo. Naturally.

I live for rainy lunchtimes these days.

Isabel is sitting looking bored, playing with her long hair. Jo is drawing a violin, but she's not into it at all. She turns, for once looking at me, and I gaze into her brown eyes, shining like terracotta in a Tuscan sun. I notice the tiny ridges that run down her front teeth, a splendid imperfection. When Jo smiles, I think, she does so to the edges of her mouth. Her smiles are an unrestrained expression. I go 'Were you ever sad?', and Jo just looks at me like I'm the dumbest person on earth. I don't need an answer, it's not even as though I expecting one. There is just a painful silence, and I keep hearing lines hammering in my head. "I don't love anyone. I don't love anything. I don't love anyone." But I know I do. I know I love Jo despite all the things I hate about her. I know I love her with as much certainty as I love Belle And Sebastian.

I get up from the desk. I want to hold her. I want to kiss her. I want to claw at the wall, I want to scream and bawl. Instead I just pick up a pen from the table and write on the whiteboard. I write 'I don't love anyone'. And then, beneath it, 'Belle And Sebastian are God.'

[the state i am in]