'Everyone knows' I say, and Chris just smiles, not knowing whether to nod because he knows this is so, or to shake his head and say they don't because this is what I want to hear. I continue 'It's obvious, I know, because I float around her whenever I'm in her classes, even though I'm clearly not a part of her scene.' I look earnestly at Chris and add quickly 'not that I want to be of course. I don't want all that...' I look around as if the air can list all the problems I sees in her scene, then finish '...teenage popularity bullshit.' I pause, then add smiling, 'not at my age anyway.'

This time Chris laughs.

'It's so fucking obvious, but I can't help it.' I'm almost crying. 'Even at lunch and break, everyone knows I hate the sun and sports, but I'm still out on that fucking field, just so I can watch her. Just so I can be nearer.'

[the light that fades will shine forever]

Chris wants to tell him that everything will be fine. He wants to tell him that the light will fade, that one day the sun will rise afresh and he will wonder what the fuss was about. But he knows that he is aware of this already, and that to say such things is pointless. He knows that at this moment, at this point in time, the pain is the most real thing in his life, that it is sharper than a razor across his neck. He knows that her name is scratched across his heart, that these scars will be around for too many years to come, that they will remain entrenched regardless of which age he lives on in.

[miss scotland 1989]

'I rode over the hill in the dark you know. Just to go down her street' I say. Chris goes 'you remember you did that fourteen years ago for Sharon?' and I just blink away the memory. 'It wasn't the same thing' I say, but inside know that's not true. I know that moments repeat themselves with awful circularity, that if one thing is certain it is that, regardless of ages and appearances, I will break myself open until I die.