Where are you? In a free cybercafe with a pile of CDs, a notebook, a walkman and a
comprehensive knowledge of boredom
What are you? A student feeding off the corpulent underbelly of British welfare and
planning on how to idle my life away
What do you make? Music in my head. No money. Loose, unpaid journalism. Plagiarism an
What do you love? People I know. Revolution in theory. Bed in practise. Music in its
myriad of shapes, sizes, and forms. Graham Coxon's effects pedals. Oh,
What do you hate? People I don't know. Wasting time, but not quite enough to do anything
about it. Ironically, also a lack of ambition.
What do you listen to? Brace yourself - here comes a list. Graham Coxon, Mogwai, Palace, The
Beta Band, Hefner, Joy Division, Belle and Sebastian, Money Mark,
"Subterranean Homesick Blues" , Spiritualized, Spacemen 3,
Sparklehorse, "The White Album", "The Holy Bible", Jurassic 5, Super
Furry Animals. Also, myself moaning. But crucially, not crying babies.
The little bastards
What do you watch? The world go by. The ever-changing British music scene. Bands whenever
I can. The Coen Brothers. Not telly, unless it makes me laugh. Itchy
and Scratchy from the Simpsons until my chest hurts from laughing. At
the risk of striking the gong of cliche, South Park
What do you drink? More beer than I should. Less wine than I should. The milk of human
What do you smoke? Only things that make me vomit
What do you take? The piss, profusely. But only out of people I like
What do you believe in? The sanctity of human life. But also the right to choose. Life is a
contradiction, after all
When We were 16.
Where were you? At the dysfunctional, middle class family home, smack bang in the cosy
home counties of middle england
What were you? An intentionally depressed teenager with no female friends, a tragic
haircut, and a small but quite odourous bedroom
What did you wear? Black, mainly. But also the trappings of grunge fashion via the local
What did you listen to? Nirvana. Occasionally my parents throwing things
What did you watch? The Word. Here lay the stuff that ideological revolution was made of!
Er, Eurotrash. Here lay copious amounts of soft porn
What did you love? Anything anally retentive. Roleplaying games. Books. Films.
Masturbation. God, I'm glad this is anonymous
What did you hate? Myself and I want to die. School, a land filled with arseholes, who
now mysteriously seem to be quite nice, friendly people. The way
What did you drink? Disgusting cocktails from parent's drinks cabinets. Occasionally,
whisky. Not enough alcohol
What did you smoke? God forbid
What did you take? My time at growing up. The right opportunities, I hope
What did you want to be? Who I was in my head. Someone cooler, more popular, and more funny.
Someone who could walk into a pub and not cringe under everyone's
glance. A rock'n'roll star. A novelist. Someone who doesn't beg for
respect but earns it
Who did you fight? No-one but myself. But in retrospect, that's not a bad choice
Who/What did you believe in? The God of Atheism
Where did you go? To a seat of learning. Or more appropriately, to a place where beer
What did you learn? That it's cool to be embarrased sometimes. That alcohol is my drug of
choice. That I can fall in love, but it won't always last. That deep
down, I'm just the same as my parents. That an arts subject is
everything you've heard it will be. That irreverence is a quality and
not a flaw. That there's more to life than revision. And that a
student loan will just have to do for the time being.