Where are you? In a free cybercafe with a pile of CDs, a notebook, a walkman and a comprehensive knowledge of boredom

What are you? A student feeding off the corpulent underbelly of British welfare and planning on how to idle my life away

What do you make? Music in my head. No money. Loose, unpaid journalism. Plagiarism an art form

What do you love? People I know. Revolution in theory. Bed in practise. Music in its myriad of shapes, sizes, and forms. Graham Coxon's effects pedals. Oh, and sex

What do you hate? People I don't know. Wasting time, but not quite enough to do anything about it. Ironically, also a lack of ambition.

What do you listen to? Brace yourself - here comes a list. Graham Coxon, Mogwai, Palace, The Beta Band, Hefner, Joy Division, Belle and Sebastian, Money Mark, "Subterranean Homesick Blues" , Spiritualized, Spacemen 3, Sparklehorse, "The White Album", "The Holy Bible", Jurassic 5, Super Furry Animals. Also, myself moaning. But crucially, not crying babies. The little bastards

What do you watch? The world go by. The ever-changing British music scene. Bands whenever I can. The Coen Brothers. Not telly, unless it makes me laugh. Itchy and Scratchy from the Simpsons until my chest hurts from laughing. At the risk of striking the gong of cliche, South Park

What do you drink? More beer than I should. Less wine than I should. The milk of human kindness

What do you smoke? Only things that make me vomit

What do you take? The piss, profusely. But only out of people I like

What do you believe in? The sanctity of human life. But also the right to choose. Life is a contradiction, after all

When We were 16.

Where were you? At the dysfunctional, middle class family home, smack bang in the cosy home counties of middle england

What were you? An intentionally depressed teenager with no female friends, a tragic haircut, and a small but quite odourous bedroom

What did you wear? Black, mainly. But also the trappings of grunge fashion via the local department store

What did you listen to? Nirvana. Occasionally my parents throwing things

What did you watch? The Word. Here lay the stuff that ideological revolution was made of! Er, Eurotrash. Here lay copious amounts of soft porn

What did you love? Anything anally retentive. Roleplaying games. Books. Films. Masturbation. God, I'm glad this is anonymous

What did you hate? Myself and I want to die. School, a land filled with arseholes, who now mysteriously seem to be quite nice, friendly people. The way things change

What did you drink? Disgusting cocktails from parent's drinks cabinets. Occasionally, whisky. Not enough alcohol

What did you smoke? God forbid

What did you take? My time at growing up. The right opportunities, I hope

What did you want to be? Who I was in my head. Someone cooler, more popular, and more funny. Someone who could walk into a pub and not cringe under everyone's glance. A rock'n'roll star. A novelist. Someone who doesn't beg for respect but earns it

Who did you fight? No-one but myself. But in retrospect, that's not a bad choice

Who/What did you believe in? The God of Atheism

Where did you go? To a seat of learning. Or more appropriately, to a place where beer was cheaper

What did you learn? That it's cool to be embarrased sometimes. That alcohol is my drug of choice. That I can fall in love, but it won't always last. That deep down, I'm just the same as my parents. That an arts subject is everything you've heard it will be. That irreverence is a quality and not a flaw. That there's more to life than revision. And that a student loan will just have to do for the time being.


august 1998.